I grew up in a spiritual home and church. I was taught all the right things, I was brought up to be kind and love others. I knew right from wrong, I knew what I
was supposed to do as a “good Christian girl”. So when my friends decided to get baptized, it was a natural choice to get baptized as well. I thought I knew the
weight of the decision I was making was. I thought I knew the commitment I was making, and why not, I was taught all these things, so I had to have known what I was
doing, right? No quite. I remember that day of my first baptism, I went to church with a spare outfit and a giddiness of this act but something wasn’t right. My head
wasn’t quite in the right space, I felt like I was just going through the motions. After a bit of the service I was told to go into this back room and change and go
to the waiting room by the baptism pool. There were two other people getting baptized that day, a younger girl and one of my best friend. We had asked one of our
youth leaders to have the honor of baptizing us. I was last to get dunked, I walked into the warmed pool and felt nervous, I could barely look my youth leader in the
eye. He said something about he didn’t know why I had asked him to do this, and I nervously responded “me neither, this is weird.” It was honest and funny but not the
right thing to say. He continued with the questions and proceeded to dunk me under water. I remember feeling going under the water but not feeling getting wet, my head
went in dry and came out dry, unaffected. Back then I was confused on to why I felt this way, of course I went about the day taking in the people’s congratulations
and good wishes. Though I didn’t feel any different, I though I would feel different after being baptized, that’s what I was told and heard from other peoples
accounts, was something wrong with me?
Now I could say I accepted that day as just a day I got dunked in front of my entire church and my life went on. For a while that was true. Years went by. I finished
highschool, I was left by friends and turned away from the pain, I went into college with a hardened heart and seeking something to fill the void of that lost
community and love. Well we all know the answer to that is Jesus, but I couldn’t see that and refused to look at Him. I knew Him, I grew up knowing Him and building a
relationship with Him but I was turning my back on that. I found my “satisfaction” in things other that Jesus, His word, or the path He had for me. I spiraled into
a time of depression, chasing the things of the world, relationships and friendships with people that didn’t have my best interests in mind. After a few years of this
I still felt empty and I felt even more weighed down. Slowly I opened my heart to Him again and starting asking “why?” What have I done in my life to feel so lost
and helpless? Why did I not feel the love I needed and wanted so desperately? Why through everything I had done did I know He was still there calling to me, convicting
me of the things I knew were wrong? His answer came in the form of losing the “friends” I had clung to in my time of searching. He broke the ties and chains they held
pulling me back from my true identity and path God was holding out for me to step into. I felt liberated and light. Not truly knowing what to do next, I leaned into
Him and asked for guidance. He provided it with answers for the World Race and wisdom through my mom.
Now walking in this freedom was beautiful but I still had this feeling of being lost. I knew I was starting anew and had to take my time and be patient. That’s when I
got to training camp and God wrecked me, heart, soul, spirit and mind. I was His daughter and beloved and all I needed to do was choose into Him. I was so on fire for
Him, things I hadn’t wanted for so long were being ignited again and spurred further into His call on my life. Although one morning was different, I woke feeling cloudy
and spacey, not myself. I tried to shake it away but i just couldn’t focus truly that day. During worship that day, one of my squad mates voiced her desire to get
baptized and in the moment I was given the opportunity to pray over her the Holy Spirit took hold and spoke through me. She found our leaders and put the plan into
aciton. We get to the afternoon and a kiddy pool was found and filled for this beautiful and important moment for her was fulfilled. After that moment they looked
out into the crowd of our squad and asked “anyone else?” Another squad mate raised her hand stepped into the freedom of that choice and step. Once again when she was
finished they looked out and asked again, “anyone else?” My coach looked out and scanned the crowd. I felt my heart start to pound and leap, when her eyes met mind
for a spilt second, I knew, and my hand shot up into the air. This was the moment I had been waiting for, the one that will mark my life as one of the biggest in my
walk with Him.
I stepped forward, my heart in my hands ready to present it to my God, my King, my Father in heaven and my friend and bridegroom Jesus Christ. With the Holy Spirit
giving me the strength to speak the words of truth about my life, walk and love for Him. Knowing the truth of who I was and what I wanted, Jesus and what He has
coming for me, I made the decision to deny my flesh, pick up my cross and promise to follow Him all the rest of my days. I stood in front of my squad and told them
these things, asking for them to keep me accountable and witness this choice and step into being washed, pure, clean and free. I sat in the kiddy pool, my heart
softened and open ready for this step. My coach prayed softly to me and took me in her arms and led me back into the water. It washed over me and I was soaked,
dripping head to toe, and I could feel it. The love and feeling of being clean and free stuck to every part of me. I started to cry and cling to my coach. This is the
feeling I had searched for, the one that was just sitting there waiting and calling me back to the truth of my savior. I am free. I am washed clean. I am pure. He has
made it so, the victory is mine and I thank God everyday for His love, grace and goodness to allow me this life in His embrace.
